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The Lucivr Letters
This post was written by Jason Alley, lead consultant at Vanguard Communications. After reading C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters, I began to wonder if like correspondence existed that had to do with IP Contact Centers. After a long and arduous search, such writings fell unexpectedly into my hands. While I take no responsibility for the content, I thought it important to publish the letters to help equip the contact center market to combat the devilish schemes revealed.
This post was written by Jason Alley, lead consultant at Vanguard Communications.
After reading C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters, I began to wonder if like correspondence existed that had to do with IP Contact Centers. After a long and arduous search, such writings fell unexpectedly into my hands. While I take no responsibility for the content, I thought it important to publish the letters to help equip the contact center market to combat the devilish schemes revealed.Letter 1
My Dear Ahtwood,
The Bureau of Corporate Destruction, of which I am an up-and-coming junior member, has made a point of publicly praising our work in the area of contact centers. As if taking down the two "big iron" ACD vendor platforms was not impressive enough, signs that the current market leader may be facing major challenges (e.g., the recent announcement of job cuts you mentioned in your latest report), despite having perfectly adequate technology in their arsenal, has bred a spirit of optimism drowned out only by continued updates regarding the more deplorable work being accomplished in areas such as the human housing market. Jealous I am of those formidable schemers, but it is comforting to know that the principles applied are universal and that I was taught by the same instructors at Tempters Training College. Some just happen to be luckier than others with respect to the work they are assigned. However, let's not forget how gratifying it is to be carrying out a scheme that I personally devised, not one merely handed down to me. This is truly a high honor. As my college thesis is proven out - that the destruction of the Customer Experience will drive millions to a vulnerable, angry state that Our Father can prey on for the greater cause - we can begin planning our retirement to gluttony at a young age with the satisfaction of knowing I played a visionary role in contributing to the downfall of this generation.
These are indeed exciting times, but I am disappointed with the scent of pride and arrogance in your latest update. While wonderful weapons for manipulating the despicable human, these qualities can also lead to the demise of young tempters such as yourself - and, more concerning, to the reputation of mentors such as ME in the underworld. Thus, you must stay focused on the work at hand, especially as it relates to the destruction of technology and service providers that enable enterprise customers to deliver an excellent customer experience. Remember the five principal strategies you have been trained on:
1. Attack the Sales Channel - Put in the minds of senior management that the sales channel is no longer that strategic, and that the low margins associated with running a sales and service organization hinders the market's perception of them as a software company. Apply as many external pressures as possible to persuade them of this - the financial market, analysts, consultants, partners, and other "friends" of the company.
2. Keep the Focus on Short Term Results - Continue to drive home the importance of short term results (or the perception thereof), and do whatever you can to prevent companies from investing in their (or, worse yet, their customers') future wisely. Remember, tying personal wealth to this kind of concern - both stockholders and management - is a fabulous method for eliciting the desired behavior. How awesome is the power of greed!
3. Create Product Distractions - Seed as many distractions as possible so companies find it hard to focus on any one specialty, especially where they have already developed a core competency. If we convince them to pursue multiple, new markets (becoming a jack of all trades and master of none) by preying on the fear of being left behind, regardless of the realities of resource and cultural constraints, we can minimize their market impact over time. Another proven strategy is to shift thoughts and efforts of engineers and product managers away from a customer perspective and towards an academic discussion of technological possibilities. These high thinkers can spend months, even years, debating how to redesign a product's architecture when there is no compelling reason to do so. Even better is when hundreds of thousands of dollars are actually spent developing these "next generation" architectures to no avail.
4. Prevent Loyalty - See that the concept of loyalty does not resurface in the companies you haunt and torture. The dot-com boom played a vital role in the separation of corporate and personal identity. Employee demands became so great that larger, established companies could no longer entice and/or keep top producers. This bred a sentiment of bitterness and mistrust and the concept of loyalty to the company and to the employee virtually disappeared. Employee bases continue to change with the wind, and many work for companies they once called competitors. Oh, what wonderful work we have been doing!
Customer loyalty is another fad that we must continue to extinguish. Because of progress made in other areas detailed above, we have been able to convince reputable companies to leave their customer base behind without giving much thought to it. It is critical that we prevent them from raising consciousness or concern in this area. If you sense any dangerous thoughts emerging, like that annoying "evergreen" concept once did, immediately distract the infected party with "important" matters that must be tended to immediately!
5. Help Avoid Successful Partnerships - See that partnering is pursued from a selfish point of view, with only one company's success in mind. And, continue to encourage everyone to partner with everyone else in support of our zero-sum strategy. You do not want to meet the same fate your peer did because of his negligence in preventing that vogue phone maker from striking an exclusive partnership with a leading carrier. One can only hope this major slip-up went unnoticed...
Continue to focus significant time attacking the current contact center market leader. If we are able to declare victory, you can then begin a campaign against some of the newer entrants - specifically that networking company on the rise and that major software supplier on the peripheral - to prevent them from providing the market with as long of a period of stability as their predecessors did.
Do not forget that our primary objective here is to cause chaos in the contact center market so that enterprises are consumed with fear, uncertainty and doubt and distracted from the deplorable goal of providing an excellent customer experience.
Finally, do not underestimate the Enemy's power and resourcefulness. His agents (especially those dreadful industry consultants) are constantly working with suppliers and enterprise customers to bring clarity in the midst of the confusion we create. Do what you can to turn ears away from such nonsense. Use self reliance and pride to convince decision makers to go it alone.
Now, get busy with the work of destroying the customer experience! I expect less boasting and more details regarding progress made on the enterprise business process and organizational front in your next report. Remember, technology attacks are only one way in which we wage this broad, important war.
Your Caring Mentor,
Lucivr Senior Demon, Customer Experience Demise
P.S. to answer your obnoxious question (or, more accurately, cantankerous observation), yes, I do realize your friend's uncle is far more eloquent with words that I. However, do not let writing style deceive you. It just so happens that I graduated well above that less deplorable demon, which is exactly why I have been given this exciting, strategic assignment.